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Defensive Responses
The skill in sending assertion messages
effectively involves learning to expect and deal with people's
defensive responses. To do this, it is best to use the process
outlined below.
Assertions are typically met with a defensive
response. Even when the assertion is only attempting to remove the
other person from our territory, the other person will experience
this as a "push" and will almost inevitably want to "push back".
No matter how well we phrase assertion
messages, people seldom like to receive them. Who wants to find out
that they have trespassed on another's space and made a tangible and
negative impact on that other? It is uncomfortable to learn that we
have adversely affected another's life. That's why even the best
assertion messages tend to trigger defensive responses in the
receiver.
So, when you send a well-worded assertion
message, don't expect an accolade. Anticipate an attack or some
other form of defensive response.
Defensiveness in one person tends to trigger
defensiveness in the other person(s) in the interaction. As the
conversation proceeds, an upward spiral of increasing defensiveness
often occurs, causing an escalation of aggressiveness and
destructiveness in both parties.
This spiral is evident when one person asserts
to another. Because the person receiving the assertion is apt to
become very defensive, what they hear is often a distortion of what
was said to them and they respond with hostility. This in turn
triggers defensiveness which produces inflammatory remarks. The
vicious cycle of mutual recrimination has begun. After much heat and
heartache, the asserter's needs are still unmet, the relationship
suffers and each person's self-esteem tends to be diminished.
A Six-Step Assertion Process
1. Preparation
2. Sending
3. Being silent
4. Listening
5. Recycling the Process
6. Focusing on the Solution
1. Preparation
Write down the assertion message before sending
it. This helps diffuse some of your pent up feelings. When it is
properly formulated, you will be confident that it is appropriate,
brief, non-blaming and capable of getting you needs met.
Test the appropriateness of the message by
asking:
Am I refraining from trespassing? If the
message has a concrete and tangible effect, I can be fairly certain
that I am not intruding on someone else's territory.
Is this a persistent concern? Though there will
be some occasions when it will be appropriate to assert the first
time someone trespasses on my space, these situations will be fairly
infrequent.
Is there a base of rapport? An assertion that
is sent before rapport develops is more likely to have severe
repercussions on the relationship and on motivation.
Am I likely to get my needs met through an
assertion? You should only send assertion messages to those people
and in those situations where there is a high likelihood of getting
your needs met.
Rehearse the assertion message before you use
it. Use a partner to help in role-playing if possible.
Secure an appointment to converse with the
person to whom you wish to send the message and allow enough time
for it. Do not pick a time when the other is likely to be tired,
irritable or hungry etc.
Select the location carefully, avoiding
confrontation in view/hearing of others. Decide whether it should be
on your ground or on the other's.
2. Sending
Don't begin the interaction with small talk.
When you send an assertion, your body language
should demonstrate that you mean what you say, that you are not
ambivalent about it and that you expect to get your needs met. At
the same time, assertive body language demonstrates respect for the
other person.
3. Being silent
After sending your brief assertion message with
appropriate body language - Stop! Be silent. Your silence will allow
the other person to think about what you have said or to say
whatever is on their mind. (The other person's first response is
usually defensive. Sometimes they will offers excuses, sometimes
attack, sometimes withdraw. Expect the defensive response. The
silence allows the other person time to express it and it needs to
be vented before the other person is willing to meet your needs.
Later on in an assertive interaction, the silence enables the other
person to arrive at a solution that meets their needs and yours.)
4. Listening
Instead of reasserting, explaining your
assertion, or becoming aggressive in response to the defensive
response, it is important to change gear and listen reflectively.
This helps diminish the other person's defensiveness.
You may receive data in your listening that
modifies your need to continue with the assertion. You may discover
a strong need of the other person that conflicts with your needs, so
you may switch to collaborative problem solving. You may receive a
lot of data about how that person views you or your relationship
with them.
Because the words are spoken from a defensive
standpoint they may be more extreme than the other person actually
feels. Still, they are important and too valuable to ignore. Much of
it would have gone unspoken if not for the assertion that you sent.
If you reflect, rather than defend yourself,
you will be alerted to many ways the relationship can be improved.
Do not respond to the issues raised at this time, apart from
listening reflectively. There will be a more appropriate time for
that later.
Hostile responses: The finest
assertion message is often received as a hostile blow. Instead of
really listening to the assertion, most people are searching for a
counter blow at the time the assertion is being presented to them.
The counter blow contains words designed to put you on the defensive
and inflict damage. The other person does not usually deal with the
subject matter of your assertion, but picks an issue selected for
its ability to inflict high damage on you, with relatively low risk
to them.
Dealing with questions: In addition to
showing hostility, some people defend themselves by asking
questions. This is a way of derailing assertions in a
non-confrontational way. While they've got you answering the
question, you aren't asserting and the other person is not coming up
with solutions about how to vacate your space and meet your needs.
Don't answer a question when you are asserting; reply with a
reflective response instead. Every question can be converted into a
statement and reflected back.
Side-stepping debates: Some people
respond to assertion by debating. By refusing to engage in a debate
and by listening and responding reflectively, you can get your needs
met and probably strengthen the relationship at the same time.
Coping with tears: For some people,
tears are a major coping mechanism when confronted with an
assertion. Crying is often a manipulative way to avoid confrontation
and to avoid any behavioural change. Do not let tears control you.
Recognize that the tears may be real and that the person may be
genuinely sad. Reflect the fact that they are sad about being
confronted, but then gently and firmly reassert.
Overcoming withdrawal: Where the
person responds to an assertion with total silence, you may still
see a response in the body language that suggests disapproval or
despondency. In response, you can provide a lot of silence, reflect
on what it appears to you to mean and then reassert.
The general strategy for dealing with defensive
responses is always the same, i.e. listen reflectively (especially
to the emotions) and reassert.
Helping the other to understand you and the
solution: You can find yourself so busy reflecting the other
person's defensive responses that you overlook statements they
eventually make which tell you that they are beginning to
acknowledge the validity of your assertion. The recipient of an
assertion message is often very indirect and vague when they begin
to move from defensive mode to problem-solving mode. The hint may be
dropped in the middle of highly defensive remarks. If you can note
it and reflect it back, you will shorten the process and decrease
the stress both of you may be experiencing. People are often quite
guarded when they acknowledge your discomfort or offer a solution.
If you can catch the slightest indication, reflect it back then
offer silence so they can explore it further.
5. Recycling the Process
Once you have sent your assertion message,
provided the other with silence in which to think or to respond and
reflectively listened to the predictable defensive response, you are
ready to begin this process all over again. Because the other was
defensive, they will probably have been unable to understand the
situation from your point of view. You send the identical message
again. Follow it with silence. Then reflect the expected defensive
response.
Effective asserting hinges on a rhythm of
asserting and reflecting. After asserting, you must remember to
listen. You must keep to your intention to assert without becoming
aggressive. Remember to reassert - don't get so involved in
listening or consoling the other that you neglect your own needs or
your interaction will have become submissive when you intended to
assert.
Persistence is the key thing. Typically it
takes three to ten repetitions of the assertion message
(interspersed with silence for the other's solution or defence and
your reflective listening responses) to change the other's
behaviour.
6. Focusing on the Solution
One of the reasons that assertion messages work
so well is that they do not back the other person into a corner. The
other does not have to say yes or no to a solution that you suggest.
They may think of something that meets their needs too. And, when
they arrive at that solution, they can offer it as a gift, rather
than a concession that is grudgingly wrested from them. This allows
them to retain their dignity. When they offer you the gift of a
satisfactory solution, even after what may have been a heated
exchange, you will both feel better. The process of reconciliation
will make the relationship even stronger.
When the other comes up with a solution, make
sure it meets your needs. Be flexible and open to a broad range of
possible options, but if your needs are not met by the other's
proposal, it is important to say so. After turning down an offered
solution, it is well to allow for a lot of silence. In that time,
the other may come up with another solution or they may become
defensive again.
Don't insist that the other person be cheerful
about meeting you need. All that you can ask from an assertion is
that the other's behaviour be changed.
Paraphrase the solution back to the other. That
way you can be sure that you both have the same understanding. The
paraphrase also reinforces the solution on the other's mind.
Say, "Thanks". The process you will have just
completed may have been so arduous that you forget elementary
courtesies.
Arrange a time when you will check with each other to make sure that the solution is working. Sometimes a solution proposed with the best of intentions does not work out well and a new arrangement needs to be devised. Occasionally, the receiver of an assertion will come up with a solution they don't intend to implement. When you arrange to check back to see how well the solution is working, the other realizes that you mean business and that such games will not work with you.
ASSERTION SKILLS
Acknowledgement:
The content
of this page is based on
Chapter 10 of
People Skills by Robert
Bolton, PhD
(Simon & Schuster's Touchstone, 1986 paperback)